Everyone says that in the grief journey, holidays are the worst. Well I had a lovely Easter. Good Friday, James and I enjoyed Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis performed magnificently by the Grand Philharmonic Choir. Saturday was a good day too – breakfast with James and Nora, then over to their house to join Erin and Vivi and watch the granddaughter open Pat’s and my Easter presents and eat lots of chocolate. In the afternoon I walked one of Pat’s favourite walks through the neighbourhood seeing lots of flowers in bloom. Quiet evening watching TV and reading. Sunday the big day – Acts 2:32 This Jesus God raised up, and of that all of us are witnesses – started by James and I attending the 11 am service at Holy Saviour. Fr. Carver’s sermon was very moving; all about how Love is stronger than Death a topic you all know I’ve been thinking about a lot. The Communion was also very movingly done by The Venerable Cy Ladds who was obviously moved by it too. After Mass, I drove out to visit Pat and put flowers on Pat’s grave for Easter. Prayed: May Patricia evermore dwell in me and I in her through Jesus Christ. Amen. On way back home had coffee and a lovely chat with the owner of Angie’s Waterloo about Pat and picked up a fresh loaf of bread for Easter Dinner. Brought over to James and Erin’s my contributions to our Easter Dinner – sirloin tip pot roast, the bread, French rhubarb custard pie and a bottle of wine. Rosemarie and Michael contributed very good mashed potatoes and lots of candies and presents for the girls. We didn’t talk about Pat so as not to disturb the granddaughters. It was a very pleasant weekend all in all and not at all hard for me.
It is only when you have great expectations that it gets hard. Well I did have great expectations. Easter is about Love conquering Death and about the Resurrection. I was expecting a break-through in my communications with Pat and a strengthening of our communion with each other. That was my deepest silent prayer. By bed time nothing had happened but I still had hopes. Even went to bed early in hopes of a dream revelation.
Did I ever have a bad night! Those were not dreams or revelations I had. My night was filled with nightmares and not a bit of the Love I was expecting. The nightmares brought back everything I felt during the first few days after she died; grief had come full circle. There was the fear but, this time I was truly afraid. I thought Pat’s Real Presence was leaving me. A couple of the bad dreams were about Pat breaking up with me, abandoning me, changing her phone number so I couldn’t find her. Changing her appearance so I wouldn’t recognize her. (She had painted a third eye in the middle of her forehead in one dream; just like you sometimes see in fortune teller posters.) Yes, I felt great anger at this abandoment. And I felt the great loss again. I was very much alone in my dreams. I felt abandoned by everybody and everything – where was that great comforter whose resurrection we had celebrated Easter Day. Here I was for most of the night in HELL. Was Christ showing me what He experienced when He descended into hell?
All this because I got greedy in my wants and expectations. I don’t want the sense of Pat’s presence to disappear in a second death; I want it to last forever. I just wanted it to be stronger. I wanted to hear her words again and feel her kisses. My love for her has not died, it shall continue forever. I must learn patience; the real presence and our love is growing and I just have to wait. Time has no relevance to her (or God) in eternity. She is still in my heart and her presence IS still getting stronger. O Lord, I most humbly beseech thee of thy great goodness to comfort and succour me in this transitory life and give me the grace to rejoice in Pat’s fellowship in Heaven and in my heart. Amen.