In Quiet Love, I wrote the following: “I have lost the ability to enjoy all the things we enjoyed together; the ability to enjoy every day’s most common loves by sun or candle light. Now I listen to a piece of music we once enjoyed together and it sounds hollow. I look at a painting we loved together and it just doesn’t move me in the same way it once did. A bright sunny day is not appreciated the same. The atmosphere and food in one of our favourite restaurants just is not as good anymore. A TV show we both looked forward to now brings tears to my eyes. The pleasure of cooking a great meal for supper is gone; it is just food now. I feel like I have lost half of myself….”
In the four months since Pat’s death, I still feel much the same but maybe a bit less intensely. I am melancholy and don’t feel any purpose to doing any of the needed daily chores. Oh, I do them because Pat would have wanted me to but there is no urgency in me. However, there have been gains – discovering how intensely and deeply we love each other, and that Love continues to grow and deepen after death. The biggest surprise was discovering how deeply religious she was and is – she wanted to be alone on her walks to meditate and pray. This has strengthened my own faith as has finding her homemade prayer/promise bracelet next to her laptop. I now wear it daily. Daily prayer: “Lord let Pat forever more dwell in me and I in her through Christ our Lord. Amen.” The Eternal promise: Pat, I love you forever! I am surer than ever that there is life after death and that our marriage is about our becoming a renewed united entity united by LOVE in the arms of Christ.
I still really want to join Pat in Heaven and still occasionally pray, “Oh God let my release be soon! Amen.” But I realize that it is not going to be soon. Pat predicted in 2010 that neither of us would make it to 2020. Well she was right about herself, just hope she was right about me also. Like Pat I’ve had serious health problems in the last decade – seven ulcers two bleeding ones that put me in the hospital, high blood pressure for decades but under control, and a heart attack in 2015 that resulted in quintuple bypass open heart surgery. That is why I thought I would be first to die. Pat died just after her 70th birthday – the Biblical 3 score and 10. I wonder if my surviving these serious health problems means I am strong and will make it to the Biblical 4 score – I much prefer Pat’s prediction obviously. The time of my death is not my choice but Gods. Wish I was a poet like Pat; melancholy and love result in great poems.
There are still people who tell me to “get over it”, “keep busy so she’s not always on my mind”, “make new friends”, etc. They don’t seem to realize that I don’t want to fill that deep, Pat sized hole; that is where she dwells in me. I don’t ever want to forget her and I don’t want the memories to fade. Just the opposite – I want her presence in me to grow ever stronger. I love Pat and I love feeling her in me. Even if it sometimes hurts and sometimes I cry and am always lonely. I repeat I love Pat forever. Hey there is NO time table for grief – everyone grieves in their own way and to their own time table. Everyone also grieves differently. Please remember I am surer than ever that there is life after death and that our marriage is about our becoming a renewed united entity united by LOVE in the arms of Christ. “Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” – Rabindranath Tagore. Death is the beginning of a new day!