I sometimes feel like I’m being punished for some sin I committed against God; especially when I can feel neither God nor Patricia within me – just the deep empty loneliness. Could it be I am being punished for loving my beloved Patricia more than I love God? After all our Lord Jesus Christ said: Hear O Israel, The Lord our God is one Lord, and thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength. This is the first and great commandment.
Well I am guilty of loving Patricia more than I Love myself and I believe that the love of one’s spouse is the same as one’s love for God. When Pat was alive I did love her more than I loved God: we were “Us and God” not “God and Us”. When now I am lonely and missing her very much it is so easy to slip back into “Us and God”. It is like when I doubt my God and cry “O God I believe, help me in my unbelief.”
Pat wanted us to repeat our 2003 anniversary holiday in Nova Scotia; we enjoyed it so much and she fell in love with the south shore of the province. She worked on it so hard – the files and plans are still on her computer. When she retired, and both our pensions were coming in we made reservations and plans just after I recovered from my quintuple bypass – even bought round trip tickets on Via’s The Ocean. Her diaries from 2014 are full of her happiness about our plans to return for our 48th anniversary to White Point Beach. They also contain prayers that both her and I would remain healthy enough to enjoy that anniversary trip. All prayers ended with the same ending she prayed when I went into the operating theatre for my quintuple by-pass: “God, please, please, please, please. Amen.”
Well that was a prayer God answered with a NO – a resounding NO! Pat died with tears in her eyes but accepted God’s well. She is a much better Christian than me. It just wasn’t to be. I felt her death as punishment for me not accepting His will. I wanted Pat to be happy – always happy. This is why I wonder if I am being punished for loving her more than I loved God. Please God forgive me and teach me to accept thy will with grace. God answered her pray to die without pain. Thank you God for that.
As C. S. Lewis said, God gives us the death of our beloved to get us back on the path to him; this is a harsh thing that God does because He loves us. You can not have resurrection without death. The pain of the present is part of the happiness of the past. You can’t separate Crucifixion and resurrection. The answer to my pain is within the pain. We must accept that or remain broken.
We love still, we have hope, and sadness, joy and fear. These feelings strengthen us in the love of Christ. Love is stronger than Death and we love forever.
Lord I am not high-minded: I have no proud looks.
2. I do not exercise myself in great matters, which are too high for me.
3. But I calm my soul and keep it quiet, like a weaned child with his mother; yea, my soul is even as a weaned child.
4. O Israel, trust in the Lord, from this time forth for evermore. Psalm 131
Yes, I still love Patricia, honour and keep her in my heart; and, forsaking all other, keep myself unto her, forever. God, Thy will be done, thy love be done and may Pat and I dwell in the House of the Lord forever. Amen.