You don’t ever get over the loss of a beloved spouse; it will not all be resolved with time. Healthy adults tend to grieve for a long time. You begin to reconcile yourself to living with the grief and are eventually able to cope. But grief is also circular; it comes back sometimes in dreams after months of being calm. Had a really bad dream last night. It was about losing Pat. Seems to come every couple of months.
Pat and I had a little spat and she got mad at me and wanted to leave me which she did by dying. I felt the immense panic – same as when she did die – and a very deep emptiness. This time no peaceful death in her sleep. She died right before my eyes and began turning into a skeleton. There was also great anger that I couldn’t do anything. And great sorrow. I was feeling abandoned by God and peeved with Him for not granting our prayers for a cure and a few more years together. Oh, how sad I was feeling. Without God (I felt He was rejecting me) is like being in Hell. That is how I awoke.
I know I’m not going crazy, and this is normal grief. Grief can range anywhere from rage, guilt, terror, fear, dependency, denial and sadness, to anger, guilt, loneliness, fatigue, helplessness, shock, relief, acceptance or even numbness. Well I felt them all upon waking.
Don’t want to feel this again or have this type of dream again. I know Pat loves me still and our marriage was/is forever. And that Christ Loves us. But still I cried out her Name and pleaded for her help and comfort. Scared my cat, Piper! She now sleeps on the bed with me and no Piper did not pee on the bed. Pat, I love you forever and know you also love me forever. Love is stronger than Death. God is Love. So I shall endure and continue my journey to God and Us.