“God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God.” 1 John 4:6

A bedroom with only one person in it is the loneliest place in the world.” (“Harlow” 1965 Paramount) This is so true when waking alone, with the dawn all around you, having just dreamt of your departed.  While you feel her within you and all around you, you long for her touch, her morning kiss.

Did I dream it, or did she actually say “Eric, you are my old well-loved pot of gold. Yes, I am in heaven waiting for thee, but I also dwell within thee.” Soulmates feel the energy, scent and smell of that morning kiss and miss it but continue to love forever.

Nightly I seek her in my dreams needing to be restored into fulness of being. I want to be born again into the oneness of Us, the fulness beyond time. Death is like love because all of you dies to become awake unto the other – that is the True being born again. Not thoughts, not feelings, but a sense of being; knowing you are not alone in this lonely bedroom. There is someone else there with me, yet she is me; I am aware of her presence; I am One with her and God!  Soulmate’s love makes you learn not to fear dissolving into oneness.

It is like being each other. It is love. Love is like being each other, being together with all your being, feeling each other from within each other. Soulmates are each other. Two persons in one soul united in Christ. “God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God.” 1 John 4:6

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Marriage as I understand it

In Christianity there is a third person that precedes out of a marriage of soulmates. It mirrors the Trinity’s Holy Ghost – might even be the Holy Ghost. It is the enabling love of the soulmates. It is the entity joining the Lover and the Beloved in the “Song of Solomon” and the “abler Soul” in John Donne’s poetry. It transforms the very being of each partner’s soul. It is how God has made the married two one. Only this third entity proceeding from true love can lead to the real and indissoluble union of two lives into one; and only of it does holy scripture say; ‘They shall be one flesh’; that is, shall become One Real Being.

Rumi writes:

“Whenever two are linked this way, there comes another

From the unseen world.…

But a third does come, when two unite in love

…. The intense qualities born

Of such joining appear in the spiritual world.”


Ladislaus Boros in “God is Love” writes:

“When two people say “we” because love has made them we in reality, a new sphere of existence is created. The whole world takes on a new dimension. The new sphere of existence is not simply “already there”; it comes into existence as a function of the free self-giving of one person to another.”


Rumi writes:

“What is the body? That shadow of a shadow

of your love, that somehow contains the entire universe.”

If you would know God, know love and yourself, for God is within you; the entire universe is within you. It is God knowing, being aware of himself. Patricia and I were lucky enough to discover that quiet, intense love that is basic to life itself. We had the eyes to see and the words to tell the truths that are most real to each other.  Pat and I were soulmates. This kind of relationship is marked by an intense connection between two people, two souls. Two people just “get each other” — they finish each other’s sentences, are best friends, and have adopted the us against the world mentality, and a Us and God outlook. It feels like we are two pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together. In the six months from our first date to our marriage we found each other’s souls, and bonded and an abler soul was created. We were each other’s “beloved.” The sacrament of marriage bound our two souls into a Trinity – one entity, three persons. I still feel that haunting familiarity – our two souls remain bonded even after her death. Love is stronger than Death!

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Love is forever

The best love stories end in death; lovers do not fear death. Death is their final and complete surrender to each other. Lovers instinctively know that Love is forever and is stronger than Death. They long to die together. That is why Pat crooked her finger at me and said, “Don’t you dare even think of joining me by your own hand.”

On the 48th anniversary of our first date just a few months after she had reached the Biblical three score and ten, we were told we were dying. Yes, “we” – I fully expected we would die together. Pat knew my expectation when the next day she wrote “To Eric it was a terrible blow. Maybe he’ll never recover either.”

When our priest said a special prayer over Pat kneeling beside me at the communion rail anointing her head with oil (unction) we both felt lifted to a special place. God was somehow more truly with us at that Mass preparing us for what was to come.

The shock I felt when I found she was not sleeping but dead was also shock that I was still alive!  I wanted to continue on our journey to Us and God. It was then that I realized we were still together, and Love is indeed stronger than Death. We were together at the table God had prepared before us in the presence of the great enemy Death and we feared no evil. Our United soul is truly in Heaven and we shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

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Love your spouse as you love God

Patricia cries out in the depth of my heart; from the depth of my soul she raises her voice. At the busiest corner of my mind she cries out; at the entrance to the deepest part of me she speaks. She is a blessing from the God within me, my strength and my comfort. I love her with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind, and with all my strength. I know her as I know and think of myself; she is praying and present within me in my search for God. God is Love; love thy spouse as you love the Lord your God!

When two people love one another as they love God, a new sphere of existence is created. Their love colours their world view; the whole world takes on a new depth; a new body comes into existence as a function of their true love and self giving of each to the other.  The sacrament of marriage recognizes this new person proceeding from their love and unites the three into One – a Trinity. They die unto each other and become a resurrection body.  I believe both partners are very much aware of the presence of all three individual independent bodies within their one complete soul united by God.  When one spouse dies that marriage trinity merges as the presence the surviving spouse feels deep within – into the emptiness around his/her heart. That presence becomes so strong that it is forever. Love is stronger than death and continues to grow after death. Yes, life after death is real; it is becoming one again with Pat. We will never be separated from each other; we shall move into the true realm of love. God is Love.

There is another sense within each of us that allows us to feel the presence of our loved ones when they are near and within us. You always know when your loved one is presence in the house. She is indeed risen.  I am my lover’s and she is mine. She is at the communion rail with me just as Christ is present during the Mass.  Love is that sixth sense; widow and widower know this truth. Where is she? She is everywhere. The soul is as truly here in the Heaven within us here and now as our Lord is and Love is.  “The Risen Lord is indeed risen. Present, intimate, creative, “closer than your own heartbeat,” accessed through your vulnerability, your capacity for intimacy. The imaginal realm is real, and through it you will never be separated from any one or anything you have ever loved, for love is the ground in which you live and move and have your being…” Cynthia Bourgeault, ‘The Meaning of Mary Magdalene’.

“My beloved is mine, and I am [hers]: [She] feedeth among the lilies.” Song of Solomon 2:16 King James Version (KJV)

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Meditative remembering

Odd the things you remember, last night, I woke remembering:

Waking early in the morning darkness. Listening, feeling the complete presence of my beloved there beside me in the dark.  Matching the rhythm of my breathing to hers, using it to fall back into a meditative sleep. I surrender, yield to my love, to my oneness with her.  Like sex this is truly Eucharistic – a drawing near to your beloved with all that you are; in conscious love.  You know her completely and are comfortable with your oneness.  My beloved Patricia, in her dairies wrote about the same experiences. She added that she found such moments to be times when she over came her shyness and whispered that she loved me. I remember bits of winter poems she wrote for me.

“In these empty rooms

Sounds from outside the windows

Approach like thieves


Birds chirp in the silent house

While the wife listens.


All seasons flowing:

This snow, those trees, are altered

From last winter’s scene.

Only my soul, transformed, is

Changed by love beyond all change.

It is the most basic way to meditate – focus your being on your breath, inhale and exhale. Feel the air traveling through your body from your head to the tip of your toes. Let your mind wonder – surrender, yield. You might feel just a tad dizzy and like you are floating above your bed. I try to think on my beloved’s presence at such times. Eventual you reach your oneness and fall back to sleep. You wake in the morning and are sure she was there throughout the night comforting you. Love certainly was there. Love is stronger than Death. You love forever.

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Waiting to see again

After her second serious stroke Pat asked me to buy her a notebook so she could keep up her journal while in the hospital. The stroke distorted her sight and the only thing she wrote in it was: “I will wait to see again.”  I think Pat kept her journal for me; particularly her last journal she started after we learned she was dying. It, on Wed. Now 16, 2016, begins: “To my great surprise, I am dying…. found cancer on my liver and pancreas …. Huge thud of astonishment – my family usually all die of heart disease! I haven’t really recovered – perhaps never will. To Eric it was a terrible blow. Maybe he’ll never recover either. I think for the first few hours, I was just picking myself off the floor, dazed and incredulous. This was clearly just impossible. It still feels impossible. How can I be dying? …. So much I will lose. The beauty of the Earth, of the skies, of colours. I see it all turning and turning to darkness. Please God, please, please, please. “

The true Pat came fully into being when she accepted that she was dying. It was then she entered into the Kingdom of Heaven, softening, opening, yielding, feeling God within – feeling God’s presence. Sunday November 27, 2016, she read at the Advent Carol Service, Fifth Lesson, Malachi 3 verses 1 – 7, at Holy Saviour and was very pleased with herself.  Christmas Eve, celebrated with her sisters Dani and Bette, was her best day of her last two weeks – she knew the end was very near and seemed to just let the fear come up as she fell through to the other side. She was able to face her death with an open heart, serenely, utterly, trusting God. She died January 7, 2017.  She really loved me, knew I really loved her and trusted both me and God. I hope I didn’t fail her. True Freedom is Love – Pat is free now in the arms of God. Death is NOT the end.

When we die all that is left is LOVE. Because God is Love and we are also Love. Love is our reality, and God preserves that Love forever.  Pat has come home to the God within our oneness; she fills fully the space that surrounds my heart.  Christ said, the Kingdom of Heaven is within us – so Pat is in the arms of Christ within me. Pat said it best in a poem to me:

In the country of my heart

One name is the Key to all things

In my heart’s society

Only one name is worth dropping

The seasons say it over

In their turn,

Even the rain

Drops your name.

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Praying and Believing

Sometimes a religious truth hits you like a physical blow. Pat experienced it when she first heard “Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” – (Rabindranath Tagore).  She cried at the truth of this and printed it out and put it on her bulletin board.  There are other writings besides the Bible that contain religious truths.  God speaks through many minds; though for a Christian, Holy Scripture is primary. Holy Scripture contains all things necessary to salvation; so that whatsoever is not read therein nor maybe proved thereby, is not to be required of anyone to be believed as necessary for salvation.

Also, for a Christian the Three Creeds, Nicene Creed, Athanasius’s Creed, and that which is commonly called the Apostles Creed, are to be received and believed; for they may be proved by Holy Scripture.  The Creeds are summaries from the early church to affirm what Christians believe. They have been and still are standard statements of the Christian faith for over 1500 years.

No Christian whosoever is free from the obedience of the Commandments – and that includes clergy, bishops, cardinals and the Pope.  Our Lord Jesus Christ said: “Hear O Israel, The Lord our God is one Lord; and Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the Prophets.”

Some Christian have reduced bible study to simple sound bites useful in proselyting door to door and in big tent rallies. They are overly fond of reducing complex ideas into simple slogans, jingles, and sound bites. Such an approach rarely leads to truth. The Bible is read as isolated, free standing verses. They miss the true meaning – Holy Scripture is about living and fulfilling the truth, listening to the Word in it and in our selves. True Bible study and finding the truth require an understanding of biblical history, the subtleties of Greek and Hebrew and the traditions of 2000 years of Christian – you don’t have to be a scholar, but you do have to be open to God within you and to think and listen. We have a duty to teach our children to think and not to brainwash them into a blind belief in slogans and jingles – to listen for the voice within.

Christianity does not teach that the physical world is vile and polluted, our passions a fall from grace. Original sin was not sex, but disobedience of God is the original sin Adam and Eve were thrown out of the garden for.   Sex, as Cynthia Bourgeault says, “…is truly Eucharistic – “This is my body given for you” -a drawing near to the other with all that one has and is; in conscious love; to give the innermost gift of oneself is the most intimate foretaste of divine union that can be known in human flesh.” Christianity affirms the physical world has significance for God and is worthy of study – it is how God is aware of Himself.  The universe is a rational, orderly, purposeful, creation of God that all Christians should know, care for and Love.

“The Kingdom of Heaven is within you” I really believe this as it is what Christ taught.  I also believe that my beloved Patricia is both within me and in Heaven here and now and there is a Garden Kingdom in heaven where she and I will meet again to live with Christ in our resurrection bodies forever. The first part is easy, Cynthia Bourgeault explained it in The Wisdom Jesus thus: “A lot of Christians, particularly of a more evangelical persuasion, assume that the Kingdom of Heaven means the place where you go when you die – if you’ve been good. But the problem with this interpretation is that Jesus himself specifically contradicts it when he says, The Kingdom of Heaven is within you” (that is here) and “at hand” (that is, now). It’s not later, but lighter – some more subtle quality of dimension of experience accessible to you right in the moment. You don’t die into it; you awaken into it.” I think I experienced it the day after Pat died – I woke from a nap into her presence and felt comforted. As for our Garden Kingdom in Heaven and joining her there I just believe. Sometimes I just accept what Pat tells me in her poetry and deep within me.

Pat wrote to me:

“Alone, my feet are

Always running back to you

On the path of dreams.

Better is one glimpse of you

In all your reality.

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