Wherefore art thou…


I cry in my agony,
“O Patricia, Patricia, wherefore art thou; why must thou be dead? You loved me royally, as I love you!”

She answers softly from deep within,
“I am everywhere, my love, everywhere. Still one with you! Love is forever!”

Why is that part of us that is aware of being everything is hidden from us? Why does the eternal “I” that sees my heart, my soul, my mind and my body not know itself? Only poets and mystics seem to be aware of that “I am” which is within us.

We pray and search for the Kingdom of Heaven all our life. That is, the person that is aware of our heart, our soul, our mind and the Lord our one lord is searching to know God and himself. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” (Matthew 7:7) And so Death provides an answer, it delivers us from all our fears and unites us with God. It opens the door unto you.

Heaven is a state of being, your forever home. You feel the presence of your beloved; you are One in Heaven with everything, one with God. As Christ taught’ Heaven is within us here and now. We associate it with where we most want to be – Pat’s “GARDEN kingdom, keeping up our silent conversation in robes of joy of every hue.” It is indeed a miracle to discover Heaven is “the inmost me and you to nurse no longing for another, to forge the soul and its desire together gently, openly and forever.” The answer seems to be union with God. Pat and I finally reunite in God and Us!

I love my beloved Patricia with all my soul because my soul never stops or forgets. I love her as myself; I am she and she is me, we reach together for the ends of being. Love is stronger than Death! We let go life to be born again. Yes she is “everywhere.”

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Yes we still LOVE!


It happens more often now. I catch a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye or with my mind’s eye. You speak to tell me a family truth or about something that has pleased you, some day to day comment or just that you love me still. Your 1970 anniversary poem echoes in my heart, my soul and mind:
“You love me royally, as I love you,
seated together in our garden Kingdom,
keeping up our silent conversation,
clothed in robed of joy of every hue.
For us, our royal love has had no parallel:
It rooted, grew, and like a miracle
spread to the garden where in now we sit,
clothed in the fragrance of God in it.
“And this long miracle is to discover
the inmost me and you,
to nurse no longing for another,
to forge the soul and its desire together
gently, openly and forever.
“Nothing grows but common flowers
outside our Kingdom’s wall.
Here alone the magic lies,
we ask nothing; we have all.”
Patricia my love this poem ring’s even more true as we approach the year of our fiftieth anniversary. Yes my love “the bones and blood remember.” Am I going back to another solitude or forward to the Garden Kingdom you so often dreamt of, the Heaven within us? Have we come to C.S. Lewis’s “God and us?” In this shadows of a shadow that contains our love have we found the entire universe, God knowing himself?

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Paradise enow


Seeing what is to be in my dream before I awoke.
Thou beside me singing on a highland shore.
A crimson sun rising over the sea.
Lilacs all around, the scent of their opening in the light of dawn.
This is Eden, the garden that was meant to be Heaven.
We ask for nothing more;
we have all in each other just as it began.
We are full no longer empty, we are one again with each other forever.
On the blanket before us:
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and
A book of your verse open to your poem, ”Seeing October”:

Dance of leaves on cobalt sky,
flare and startle of cardinal’s wing:
these I store against the day I die.

Nets of gold in the afternoon:
crimson darting in mid-air,
embers underfoot, glowing in the gloom.

Sunset flush on red brick wall,
windows winking like spectacles,
beneath the eyes of stars, blue evenfall.

Deep the dark, my candle dead:
Midnight’s breath will blow me blind.
Then all I stored today will light my mind
Till morning breaks ahead.

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Most inspirational passage I have read all Week


“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Essentially, from a wisdom perspective, this second beatitude is talking about vulnerability and flow. When we mourn (and we’re talking about true mourning here, not complaining or self pity) we are in a state of freefall, our heart reaching out toward what we have seemingly lost but cannot help loving anyway. To mourn is by definition to live between the realms. “Practice the wound of love,” writes Ken Wilber in Grace and Grit, his griping personal story of loss and transformation. “Real love hurts; real love makes you totally vulnerable and open; real love will take you far beyond yourself, and therefore real love will devastate you.” Mourning is indeed a brutal form of emptiness. But in this emptiness, if we can remain open, we discover that a mysterious “something” does indeed reach back to comfort us; the tendrils of our grief trailing out into the unknown become intertwined in a greater love that holds all things together. To mourn is to touch directly the substance of divine compassion.  And just as ice must melt before it can begin to flow, we, too, must become liquid before we can flow into the larger mind. Tears have been a classic spiritual way of doing this.  –Cynthia Bourgeault, The Wisdom Jesus; transforming heart and mind – a new perspective on Christ and his message (Shambhala, 2008)  page 43

I read this (and all of her chapter 3, “The Kingdom of Heaven is within You.”) after Fr. Victor Kischak’s sermon at Wednesday’s mass on The Beatitudes (Matthew 5: 1-12) These eight short sayings lay out Jesus’ s core teachings in a wonderfully concentrated and compelling format. His commentary was truly inspirational leaving me wanting more. Cynthia’ book filled that need – it reinforced what Fr Kischak’s sermon was preaching.

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I am therefore I think!


“I am, therefore, I think” God is, therefore, I Love. Patricia is, we love, therefore, we are One with each other and God.
Heart, soul, mind and body are God’s. Render unto God the things that are God’s: heart, soul, mind, and body.
It is being aware of yourself and God that proves existence. We just know we are and that God exists. It is a compulsion of the heart, soul, mind and body.
I know Patricia Bow dwells within me; that God has joined us together as One. She loves and comforts me as God loves and comforts us. We are still One joined together by God; even Death cannot part us. We are Everywhere – One with everything.
We accept existences, the Presence and God. We know the “I am who I am”, that is God! (אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה)
The Lord our God is one Lord and we shall love the Lord, our God with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind, and with all our strength as He commanded.
November
Patricia Bow November 1984
October past, like vital middle age,
quicker than fear or expectation gone,
November storms upon us, lean and wan,
all silvered, like King Lear upon the stage
It’s growing old that sets him in a rage:
the grave indignity of being bundled on
before his business properly is done;
they snatched the book before he’d filled the page.
November’s tears, like stones against the glass
bite bitterer than summer’s velvet rain.
The green blood bleaches from the tattered hill,
the red from wrinkled cheek. He dreads the pass
to icy sleep. Then takes up hope again,
recalls the Resurrection, and is still.
{Pat and I received the dreadful diagnoses the she had only 2 to six months to live on November 15th 2016.]
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God made us one forever!


Pat died to all that was less than her. As she wrote herself, her body was no longer her. She accepted she was dying and placed herself in God’s Love, the deathless love of God. Pat and I are still connected in that love and in our love of each other .
In her words:
“You love me royally , as I love you,
seated together in our garden Kingdom,
keeping up our silent conversation,
clothed in robes of every hue.”
She shares in Christ’s victory over death. Love is stronger than Death. Patricia and I are still one. God made us One forever!
In her words:
“And this long miracle is to discover
the inmost me and you,
to nurse no longing for another,
to forge the soul and its desire together
gently, openly and forever.”
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“God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God.” 1 John 4:6


A bedroom with only one person in it is the loneliest place in the world.” (“Harlow” 1965 Paramount) This is so true when waking alone, with the dawn all around you, having just dreamt of your departed.  While you feel her within you and all around you, you long for her touch, her morning kiss.

Did I dream it, or did she actually say “Eric, you are my old well-loved pot of gold. Yes, I am in heaven waiting for thee, but I also dwell within thee.” Soulmates feel the energy, scent and smell of that morning kiss and miss it but continue to love forever.

Nightly I seek her in my dreams needing to be restored into fulness of being. I want to be born again into the oneness of Us, the fulness beyond time. Death is like love because all of you dies to become awake unto the other – that is the True being born again. Not thoughts, not feelings, but a sense of being; knowing you are not alone in this lonely bedroom. There is someone else there with me, yet she is me; I am aware of her presence; I am One with her and God!  Soulmate’s love makes you learn not to fear dissolving into oneness.

It is like being each other. It is love. Love is like being each other, being together with all your being, feeling each other from within each other. Soulmates are each other. Two persons in one soul united in Christ. “God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God.” 1 John 4:6

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