I’m still feeling shock, denial and disbelief. Oh Lord is it really your will that I should feel like this? I am experiencing all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness and loneliness! I never could have imagined this tornado of feelings. There is a misconception that grief is just sadness (maybe with some anger thrown in). The reality? Grief feels like so many things. Grief feelings can change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. There are so many feelings, swirling around with so many thoughts, that it is surprisingly tough sometimes to know what we’re feeling. What keeps me going [besides Pat’s crooked finger ordering me NOT to join her by my own hand] is her presence. Yes she is still with me and it really helps! Grief doesn’t indicate a loss of faith. Someone can believe that their loved one is in a better place AND experience the pain of being without them.

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed