It is more than a dream!


There are times, usually when waking from a dream, where I have been meeting with my beloved Patricia Bow that I feel her Presence strongly. And see that the most important thing is to be one with her and God. To feel God and her in everything in me and around me. There is no before, no after, only Love itself. No it is not that I am still dreaming; I have fully emerged from the dream. I am awake to her Presence and am one with her. I know only that I am here, she is here, and God is here within me. Love is God! The miraculous is to know God, Patricia, and I, are One and we Exist together within each other.

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There is no before, no after, only LOVE itself.


                Only when I break free of all awareness of the outside world, of my senses, can I become aware of the real me. Awareness of the world outside myself is just my senses reacting to the physical world of the Big Bang; it is noise, my experiences ‘seen’ through my senses, and me trying to control and understand it; it is anxiety and worry. It is not who I really am. It is only when I turn off my senses that I can find the real me. When they stop as in the wolf hours before dusk and dawn, my real self appears, and I really am in the silence of that empty space within. It is my true presence and the presence of my departed beloved and God. It is why wolves howl. It is then I become truly me. It is beyond any of the senses, beyond deep breathing. It is like my cat standing on my chest forcing me to recognize his presence, the presence of him and “I” and my lost saints. I sense the Presence of “I am who I am”, my beloved and my own “I am.” I have found the Love within everything. The highest form of intelligence is meditation, an intense awareness that liberates the mind from its reactions and lets Love in. In Love you truly see. I am more than the sum of my parts. I am a wave, a vibration, that emptiness in which my presence, her presence and God are One.  To Know means to be.

Mark 10:17 – 25 By Patricia A. Bow Jan. 1972

I live in the soft prison of my desires,

home of all my comforts.

There is no other tenant,

and nothing breaks the silence.

Outside, in clarity of sun and wind,

God’s voice reaches men

as well as angels,

hands touch,

and eyes look out for love.

I am a prisoner,

reaching no hands outward,

having withdrawn self to self.

Accustomed to my prison now,

I love it, fear to leave it.

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We had something really special!


Patricia Bow and I were happiest facing life alone together. We were like two swans swimming together among the ice “The boorish wind off the water, / The wind off the lce, / Was too cold, enveloping us / So small, / Two little castles / Hand holding…” We were two small bubbles of happy life united as one in a cold universe needing only each other. Did you know swans also mate forever?

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God’s plan for us


Pat still talks to me in my dreams, teaches me and shows me our contract with God. She revealed part of God’s plan for us in her 1968 poem, By the Lakeshore, “… The boorish wind off the water, / The wind off the ice, / Was too cold, enveloping us / So small, / two little castles / Hand holding and smoking cigarettes / And ambling. / / We should have been crusted with frost, / As windows are on winter houses / Small bubbles of happy heat / In a cold universe.”

Last night in my dreams she showed me the plan, written by the moving finger of God when we became one. A simple life together.  I could see plainly that God had been and is truly merciful but I could not see the last part though I know instinctively in her words  “…That the world is round / and we two are one: / Our story will be endless, / like the journey of the sun.”  Every night Pat and I walk quietly through the garden in our mind until morning and friendly cat awake me.

God’s Plan for us? In her words again, “…And this long miracle is to discover / the inmost me and you, / to nurse no longing for another, / to forge the soul and its desire together / gently, openly and forever.”

Amen!

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The Oneness of Love!


Pat wrote in her diary, “I think I can face anything if Eric is by my side.”  That is love; it is two being one. Pat wrote in one of my favourite poems (12th Anniversary poem) that she knew me, every inch of me and I was all hers alone: “ I know the scent and shape of you; /  I know you all, yet not at all. / I linger with a connoisseur’s delight / over a contour of bone, a texture of skin, / gloating over treasures of silk and ivory / that are mine alone, and yet no-one’s but yours….” A “me” existed deep within that was mine alone and sometimes startled her “when, reaching out in haste, I find / the stranger self behind your eyes….”  That stranger emerged from deep within me. She had such a room within as well; she had to withdraw into herself to be alone at times but did not like to be alone at night in the darkness. When we were apart, we both needed the other and waited by the elevator for the other as she often did in the hospital for me when I was late. That is why I know she is waiting by the gates of Heaven and within me to hold my hand when my time comes by Grace, to join her there.

When someone you love dies and you are in great pain there is really nothing your love can say or do except hold you close. Your love needs you to be there for her holding her together, loving her. That is love. That is embracing, touching, being one and just being there for one another hand in hand, cheek to shoulder. You just feel the Presence of each other. We know each other through feeling each other’s presence within, through participation in each other’s sorrow and love, through communion. It is not her or me as single entities though each plays a part. It is being what we are, being one, feeling the presence of the other in our oneness.

I do not know what I know, just that it is her presence that is part of my “I am” that shows the way. Love is voluntarily placing yourself in the other, becoming one and becoming conscious of that oneness, of being transformed by that presence. We are no longer matter but energy that vibrates by the oneness of love. Love continues because it is outside time and space. We, the one we became in marriage, is part of, in the image of the “I am what I am.” We are created in the image of God. Faith is having gone beyond the earthly “I”. By Grace, our one becomes part of the essential One – God and us. There is no before, no after, there is only forever. God is Love. To die in Love is to be the “I am who I am” – One with God! Pat wrote: “…tears, like stones against the glass, / bite bitterer than summer’s velvet rain. / The green blood bleaches from the tattered hill, / the red from wrinkled cheeks; he thinks of pain, / of icy sleep. Then takes up hope again, / recalls the Resurrection, and is still.”

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Yes Love is forever!


I am heart, soul, and mind in one body; our two bodies by marriage united into one. When my beloved died, we remained still one, but something was lost, and it just might be the mind or more accurately all that I know as coming from the physical senses.  She is still there in the empty space around the heart and of course in our soul which was, is and always will be united as one, the promise of marriage.  To find her is difficult amidst the clutter of everyday living. Her death made me one with the moon worshipers: “All day we creep about the brain, / Benumbed and deafened with the noise / Of carnal pains and carnal joys, / That thrust their stupid joy and pain \ Across the peace of our disdain.” (E.R. Dodds The Moon-Worshippers) Yes, to find her is difficult. “But when the grosser senses swoon, / Then with dances privily / And the wordless litany / A million ghosts will importune / Our vestal mistress, Lady Moon: …” (E.R. Dodds The Moon-Worshippers) To find her there inside me is difficult, as difficult as it is to find myself. I am still learning to reach deep within. Yes, there is that quiet period just before dawn when I seem to touch her in our soul and am in paradise with her. This is when I know the world does not end with a whisper or a bang and Love is stronger than death. She does not come by me seeking her within. I cannot make her appear. She comes when I need her most. To love is to experience grace. Love gives a sense of truly being. When you love and marry you truly become one forever.

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That within us is God and Love


I am not really still grieving! As a Mystic Christian, I believe Grief is actually prayer and an emptying of the self. According to the mystics, grief strippiing us is good news. Because it is only when we are naked that we can have union with our Beloved, truly become One. We can cultivate spiritual disciplines designed to dismantle our identity so that we have hope of merging with the Divine and our departed beloved, God and Us. Patricia Bow comes pouring into the shattered container of my heart. This replenishing of my emptiness is a mystery, it is grace, and it is built into the human condition. I believe! God help me in my unbelief. We are often encouraged to buck up, to get over it, and so to throw out the baby of the slow true process of grieving with the bathwater. Grief will never go away, if we’re really paying attention. It’s part of being awake: we love, and we lose those we love to the erosions of time, sickness, and death (until those we love lose us to the same). To lose a loved one is to be called to come to genuine terms with that loss, or risk losing touch with that in us which loved. And that within us is God!

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