I am one with my beloved spouse

What am I? What in me is aware of me? I am who I am. Interestingly that is what God says about himself. And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you. (Exodus 3:14 KJV) God is saying that He exists just as we conclude with Descartes that I think therefore I am. It is this Image in whose likeness we are made. 
The universe is God being aware of himself, the great “I AM” being aware of Himself. In the beginning there was neither time nor space – a void without form. It is not true that nothing was around before the Big Bang – God was there; by definition God is forever – He is both before and after the Big Bang. John KJV gets it right: 1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 The same was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. With God all things are possible, He is immortal and exists outside time and space. He knows himself because he is infinite. something must be actual to be truly known.
When I awake and feel Patricia still there beside me in the bed, I am aware she now exists as consciousness. As she herself said, there was something there being aware of herself before death that does not disappear with death. If it was there it is still there. Energy can not be destroyed; it changes into a new form. Patricia lives as pure consciousness and we both are aware of her presence in God and in me. I know this to be true: I am. Pat is, We are, One with God.
Consciousness is the stuff of the universe; it will never go dark. Our relationship is One, we will know each other and God forever. The candle really goes out because in death the dawn really does come, and we merge into each other and God. 
God is always the only subject of love, flowing though our relationships, through our opportunities and also through our challenges, through each and every one of the particular conditions we find ourselves in at any given moment. As Jesus said “It is not a matter of whether you’re male or female, celibate or sexually active, a monk or married. What matters is that you become a spirit”. We find that when we move beyond opposites, we become one with each other and God.

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The Nativity Story

A thought: what if the angel Gabriel planted the seed but Joseph fertilized it. It would answer a lot of questions I have.  The prophecy says the Saviour will be of the house of David; Joseph is of David’s line NOT Mary. The prophecy says that Jesus was to be born of the Davidic male line, which was and still is held to be a must for Jewish messiahs.  The Hebrew word translated as “virgin”, “Almah”, (עַלְמָה) should always be translated as “a young woman.” This word alone does not teach us anything about her sexual status.  It simply informs us that she is young – not having reached the age of puberty, she was not yet ready for motherhood. As generally interpreted by Jews, “son of man” denotes mankind generally in contrast to deity or godhead, with special reference to their weakness and frailty.  Jesus very often called himself the “Son of Man”. To be truly a Man he must have a human father AND a human mother. Virgin birth mythology was not part of Hebrew tradition or belief – it was pagan. The Assyrian, Babylonians, Egyptian, both Greek and Latin Zoroastrians, etc. are all rift with the traditions of birth among gods and gods and women. In the Bible God does not “father” specific sons of men. God instead makes barren women fertile; this fits the idea of Jesus being born of the young woman Mary from a seed planted by God. Mainstream scholars agree that the nativity of Jesus, if not taken as historically accurate, should be interpreted within the context of first-century Judaism, not in the context of foreign mythologies, which contain only remote similarities. Paul never speaks of the virginal conception. All we learn from him is that Jesus had a Jewish mother. Most important about the Nativity Story is Mary’s response to the Angel;” Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word”. Unlike Eve she is completely obedient to God.  That acceptance alone redeems her!

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Oh Death, Where is thy sting?

We are the emptiness at the centre of the universe holding all together giving witness to its self-disclosure. We were created so that the universe could know itself. Man is the answer to the universe’s “Why?” We reach from the beginning and the end of time to the God that created us in his own image. We are part of that vibration at the centre of the smallest particle of existence and part of the great bang of the WORD that created all.

How are we different from the animals of the fields and the birds of the air? We were created in God’s image to know all, to be all. Man knows himself and is one with God. We have all; we ask nothing. We must die before we die. Death comes as a confirmation of life. We die to know beyond a shadow of a doubt how to find God and our beloved within us. The inevitable conclusion is that death can’t be the end. After death we live hidden within Christ and our beloved. I am within her, she is within me. My soul to her soul; Her soul to my soul; we are one. On the grief journey, every so often you completely let go and your beloved comes to meet you as Christ came to meet Mary Magdalene outside the tomb. Your heart opens, and you realize you have found God and Us! Christ is in us and we are in Him.

Nothing exists without something being aware of it. “I am” is all important. It is what God calls Himself. It is His name. I am because I am aware of myself. The universe exists because we are aware of it. It is God being aware of himself. Patricia lives because both she and I are aware of her. And most importantly God is aware of both of us.

Christ’s Body
By Simeon the New Theologian 
(in Cynthia Bourgeault’s The Wisdom Jesus page 135)

We awaken in Christ’s body
as Christ awakens our bodies,
and my poor hand is Christ. He enters
my foot and is infinitely me.

I move my hand, and wonderfully
my hand becomes Christ, becomes all of Him
(for God is indivisibly
Whole, seamless in his Godhood).

I move my foot, and at once
He appears in a flash of lightning.
Do my words seem blasphemous – Then
Open your heart to Him

And let yourself receive the one 
Who is opening to you so deeply.
For if we genuinely love Him,
We wake up inside Christ’s body

Where all our body, all over, 
Every most hidden part of it,
Is realized in joy as Him.
And he makes us utterly real.

And everything that is hurt, everything
That seems to us dark, harsh, shameful,
maimed, ugly, irreparably
damaged, is in him transformed

and recognized as whole, lovely 
radiant in his light.
We awaken as the Beloved 
In every last part of our body.

So almost two years after my beloved Patricia’s death on January 7, 2017 this is where my grief journey has led me.

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One with each other and God

Jesus teaches that man and wife are to become “one flesh” (Matthew 19:6) When we marry two souls become one. A presence is formed in each other. Each feel that they can face anything as long as the other is present. That presence in each other grows stronger as the marriage ages. Even death does not part that presence, what God has joined together only God can pull apart.

That emptiness you feel around your heart when your beloved dies is not emptiness. It is your departing spouse expanding around your heart. She is moving into the infinite just beyond the finite. Remember the infinite is often describe as a void, an emptiness. She is still One with you but is now also One with the infinite beyond time and space.  She sees everything she knows all of you.

She is everywhere, transformed into pure spirit to enter the divine realm. Our two hearts are still united in the new form of our One. Her physical life and death have become mystical life and love. Her soul and spirit have become One. It is the beginning of what C. S. Lewis named to his friend Sheldon Vanauken, “God and Us.” Your beloved has merely gone before to help you to lay down your self, your individuality, your ego, to become One with her in God. There are many states of consciousness in the Kingdom of Heaven. She has laid down her ego to be One with you and God in the Kingdom of Heaven within you! “God and Us” forever.

Believe! Accept nothing less than her presence, recognize her presence within you. This is the good news Christ was teaching.  Yes, there is pure love. God is Love. Trust in Him!

This is what Elizabeth Barrett Browning meant when she wrote: “I love thee to the level of every day’s most quiet need by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. … I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”


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Wherefore art thou…

I cry in my agony,
“O Patricia, Patricia, wherefore art thou; why must thou be dead? You loved me royally, as I love you!”

She answers softly from deep within,
“I am everywhere, my love, everywhere. Still one with you! Love is forever!”

Why is that part of us that is aware of being everything is hidden from us? Why does the eternal “I” that sees my heart, my soul, my mind and my body not know itself? Only poets and mystics seem to be aware of that “I am” which is within us.

We pray and search for the Kingdom of Heaven all our life. That is, the person that is aware of our heart, our soul, our mind and the Lord our one lord is searching to know God and himself. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” (Matthew 7:7) And so Death provides an answer, it delivers us from all our fears and unites us with God. It opens the door unto you.

Heaven is a state of being, your forever home. You feel the presence of your beloved; you are One in Heaven with everything, one with God. As Christ taught’ Heaven is within us here and now. We associate it with where we most want to be – Pat’s “GARDEN kingdom, keeping up our silent conversation in robes of joy of every hue.” It is indeed a miracle to discover Heaven is “the inmost me and you to nurse no longing for another, to forge the soul and its desire together gently, openly and forever.” The answer seems to be union with God. Pat and I finally reunite in God and Us!

I love my beloved Patricia with all my soul because my soul never stops or forgets. I love her as myself; I am she and she is me, we reach together for the ends of being. Love is stronger than Death! We let go life to be born again. Yes she is “everywhere.”

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Yes we still LOVE!

It happens more often now. I catch a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye or with my mind’s eye. You speak to tell me a family truth or about something that has pleased you, some day to day comment or just that you love me still. Your 1970 anniversary poem echoes in my heart, my soul and mind:
“You love me royally, as I love you,
seated together in our garden Kingdom,
keeping up our silent conversation,
clothed in robed of joy of every hue.
For us, our royal love has had no parallel:
It rooted, grew, and like a miracle
spread to the garden where in now we sit,
clothed in the fragrance of God in it.
“And this long miracle is to discover
the inmost me and you,
to nurse no longing for another,
to forge the soul and its desire together
gently, openly and forever.
“Nothing grows but common flowers
outside our Kingdom’s wall.
Here alone the magic lies,
we ask nothing; we have all.”
Patricia my love this poem ring’s even more true as we approach the year of our fiftieth anniversary. Yes my love “the bones and blood remember.” Am I going back to another solitude or forward to the Garden Kingdom you so often dreamt of, the Heaven within us? Have we come to C.S. Lewis’s “God and us?” In this shadows of a shadow that contains our love have we found the entire universe, God knowing himself?

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Paradise enow

Seeing what is to be in my dream before I awoke.
Thou beside me singing on a highland shore.
A crimson sun rising over the sea.
Lilacs all around, the scent of their opening in the light of dawn.
This is Eden, the garden that was meant to be Heaven.
We ask for nothing more;
we have all in each other just as it began.
We are full no longer empty, we are one again with each other forever.
On the blanket before us:
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and
A book of your verse open to your poem, ”Seeing October”:

Dance of leaves on cobalt sky,
flare and startle of cardinal’s wing:
these I store against the day I die.

Nets of gold in the afternoon:
crimson darting in mid-air,
embers underfoot, glowing in the gloom.

Sunset flush on red brick wall,
windows winking like spectacles,
beneath the eyes of stars, blue evenfall.

Deep the dark, my candle dead:
Midnight’s breath will blow me blind.
Then all I stored today will light my mind
Till morning breaks ahead.

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