What am I?

What I am does not depend on what I look like. To find myself I don’t look in a mirror. Mary Madelaine did not know Christ until he spoke to her; touched her mind to mind. Christ says we will know each other when we meet again in Heaven. We will touch each other mind to mind as Christ and Mary did. So who are we and how do we know our beloved. There is some thing deep within us that is the true us – that God joined in marriage – and we spend our life searching for to know ourselves and our beloved. My beloved Patricia had it right we were hermits together. Beneath this flesh and bone we are intertwined so intimately webbed together neither one could tell which is which and who is who. The Bible tells us what we seek is within us. Christ tells us God is within us; we, Patricia and I, are one with God. Christ made it so. We are also made One by God in marriage – notice how important being One is in Christ’s teachings. Love is Being one with God who is Love. To say God is Love is to recognize God loves us and Himself within us. God unites us in marriage forever. God is love the Bible tells us so. and Love is stronger than Death.

The five senses are part of the physical world; all animals have them too. Animals seem to have a sixth sense by which they feel what we call the supernatural. We may deny it but we have it too. It is how we are aware of the Presence of God and our departed beloved. The difference is that we are aware of ourselves as well. Yes, “We think, therefore we are!” What is it that makes us aware of ourselves? It is God as Love within us making us aware of thinking, feeling, loving and God as part of the equation. God said “I am who I am.” – the eternal self awareness. It is what the Bible means when it tells us we are made in the likeness of God himself.

She is gone to her garden within me (her 1976 poem)

In my garden I will grow
baby’s breath and bergamot
fearless of all winds that blow,
so secure they’ll shelter there.
Marigolds and maidenhair

in the borders I will sow:

roses and anemones,

and all gentle plants like these.

In my garden I can find

lilacs of the deathless kind,
hollyhocks and columbine.
Summer there will never end,
blackening frost will not descend,
where my garden’s fences wind,
through the meadows of my mind.

Every morning you pass through,
leaving footprints in the dew.

And at night, you and I,
arm in arm, walk quietly.

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, Grief, heaven, Love, Marriage, Poetry, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” [1 Corinthians 15:55]

Sometimes when searching deep within myself I feel that there is nothing there but the void. That is not so strange as we, mankind, were created out of the void as was time and space. We are as men part of time and space, part of our mother and farther, part of every human being back to Adam and Eve. As Patricia said ” yet beneath, the grass and stone / intertwined their roots have grown, / so intimately webbed together. / neither one can tell his own.” We are intertwined with every other created being. We live in time and space, we are part of history. As part of time and space it is difficult to see anything else. We are too self centred, taken up with exploiting every one and thing that isn’t us! As C.S. Lewis says [Mere Christianity] we are self-centred, “wanting to be patted and admired, to take advantage of other life, to exploit the whole universe,” true capitalists. We don’t want there to be something better than us, that created us, who is the Great Creator outside of time and space, that made us and governs time and space. But we are really individuals, we are connected to every every human being that ever has been, is or shall be, one huge ocean of humanity, part of that void I feel within me. The death of a beloved is painful because we loved her both as an individual and part of our individual life within time and space. We forever reach for her just beyond our self and yes within, knowing she is there. It is hard to grasp that she has moved outside time and space to become one with God. But she was/is one with me you tell yourself and I want her back! We were after all made for each other and were joined in marriage by God as one forever.

That is after all the point. If we examine love and what makes us different from those other created things we find we love and it is love that frees us from death. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”[John 3:16] By that LOVE the Creator became part of his creation. Now we are more than a created being because the Creator, the begotten not made, became part of humanity, forever through Christ. Now humanity is no longer separated from God; God and man are connected through the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I am one with my beloved Patricia and with God forever. What a comfort in my bereavement. Yes both made and begotten, Christ made it so – it is why he had to die. We, humanity, in C.S. Lewis’ words [Mere Christianity] “passing over from a created thing into a begotten thing, passing over from the temporary biological life into the timeless ‘spiritual’ life…” T.S. Eliot was wrong when he wrote ““This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.” Life doesn’t end with either a bang or a whimper, Life and Love don’t end at all! We return to God who art in Heaven as Christ did. Some where when feeling deep within myself I find not the void but my beloved and God. Some day like Christ, Patricia and I will be together one with God the Father. “For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.” Romans 14:8-9

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, Grief, heaven, Love, Marriage, Poetry, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | 2 Comments

Patricia, Me and God!

Yes exactly what Patricia and I had; we were aware of our unfolding love for each other and God! Every morning we woke up together into our love. It is still there even though she is on the other side of the door. The door is not locked.


“One main reason for the strong attraction we feel toward those who are special to us is that when we’re with them, they “move” us like no one else can; they literally awaken in us wonderful thoughts and feelings ordinarily inaccessible to us through any of our other relationships. We all know something of these feelings: perhaps we’ve told someone, “I love the way you make me feel.” And let it also be noted here that these kinds of feelings don’t just apply to relationships with significant others. We are also granted a similar special awareness of ourselves when we watch a loving mother care for her newborn baby, when we see a puppy chase its own tail, or when we stand in a field of wildflowers as their petals reflect the morning sun.” ‘Relationship Magic Waking up together’ – Guy Finlay

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, Grief, Marriage, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

1969 was an incredibly good year!

The year 1969 was in my head all night.

1969 was an incredibly good year!

Pat on break at home in Ottawa, wrote in her small Address book – didn’t start a dairy until year after– for January 1, 1969:

-Family gathering for dinner.

-Ivor phones.

-Evening: the break with Rob.

January 8: Eric – Proposal.

[She wrote me a note day after this requesting I not mention marriage just yet]

Thu Jan 23: Education show at CNE.

Walking alone Lakeshore.

[Note she wrote the poem ‘By the Lakeshore” describing us as “Small bubbles of happy heat / In a cold universe.”

Wed February 5: Eric’s Birthday 26 years old!

Fri February 7: Birthday dinner for E – my place.

Sun February 9: Get Engaged.

Fri February 14: Valentines Day

-Buy ring

-Steak & Burger

– TPL for ‘Marriage Italian Style’ (Play)


Mon February 16: |St. Stephen-in-the-Fields for marriage instruction.

Sun April 27: Find Apartment – 177 St. George Apt 608

June 21: Wedding Day

4pm wedding

5 Reception

8:30 Bali Hi

11:00 Windsor Arms Hotel

Sun June 22: Steak breakfast.

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, Love, Marriage, Poetry, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

A Dream of Heaven

The Imagination is truly a wonderful thing that makes things never seen, seem real. I dreamt of Pat last night!  We have all read: we are “…  born a natural body: it is raised a spiritual body.” (1 Corinthians 15:44) She was radiant and had a brilliance but, was immediately recognized as my beloved Patricia. Our bodies were us at our best, powerful and strong but as if we were water. We were able to merge with each other as two rivers merge into the ocean. It was like a sexual experience in which that ocean all around us participated, welcoming us.  It was warm, comforting and very pleasant. Our bodies were real, visible, capable of being handled, and recognizable. There were no trumpets, no cymbals and voices shouting hosanas, just my Beloved Patricia, me and the felt presence of God. We were on a rock-bound coast like Patricia’ well loved Nova Scotia Shore, we were in our idea of paradise. And there higher up on the shore was that home Patricia and Christ had gone to prepare for use in His Fathers house.  We were in Communion with God and each other. I know, I know, the emphasis on domestic happiness and never-ending spiritual progress in heaven is largely a modern innovation with no Biblical support.  I think for me Heaven has always been the lost Eden where believers return to develop further spiritually with our beloved One.

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, heaven, Love, Marriage, Poetry, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

Quiet Love

Patricia and I experienced no explosion of falling in Love described in C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity”, romance novels and movies. Ours was a Quiet love there were no fireworks; it was like planting a seed that grows and grows. We just loved and that love grew. We truly loved each other as we loved ourselves. I wonder if Lewis would have written this after he met Joy and fell in love with her. The movie Shadowlands, the 1993 British biographical drama film about the relationship between C. S. Lewis and American poet Joy Davidman and his letters seem to point to our quiet love in which they were in love with each other and God. Yes, Love is different from being “in love”. And yes, you can as we did maintain this quiet love over fifty years and forever because such a Love is stronger than death.

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, heaven, Love, Marriage, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

By Faith Alone

To know God and enter the Kingdom of God you must believe!  Hebrews 11:6 “…  he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” Faith is the path to the Kingdom. Faith is relying on God when looking to the future and obeying even when we don’t fully understand. As the Anglican Prayer Book has us repeat every Communion. “The Lord our God is one Lord; and thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”  In Romans 3:28 we read that “The righteous shall live by faith.”  Justification by faith alone, distinguishes most Protestant denominations from the Catholic, Eastern Orthodox and Oriental Orthodox churches. What is “Loving the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul” if not having true Faith? Through Faith all water flows to the sea.

Posted in heaven, Religion, Religion - Anglican | Leave a comment

September 5, 2020 Dream

I seemed to be on a campus going up in an elevator.  The door opened and there was Pat waiting for me. I was expected. The building was all glass and I could see banks of clouds over mountains, steep forests, dark valleys, and bright golden blinding light every where even the ocean waves were bright with light. It seemed a heavenly version of Pat’s beloved rock-bound Nova Scotia Coast surrounded this campus. It was the Kingdom: nothing superstitious or mythological but everything superstitious and mythological! And then there was my beloved Patricia! She was like lightning, her clothes if indeed she was clothed were an illusion of nakedness as if her spirit were shining through. “This too can be you,” she whispered, “we have yet to do the exam.  Hurry, hurry, we shouldn’t be late.”

As we began to climb the staircase before us. I lost her. I was the stranger here and I should have taken her hand.  In panic I ran up and up until I came to a registrar’s office.  “Am I late? Is she here!”  “No and yes go in and see.”  There she was she had prepared a desk beside her just for me. “We become truly one here that is why I waited by the elevator for you.”  Passed and graduated to the Heavenly ONE. What needs could we have now that we have each other and God? We are now complete. We are One with each other and Love Himself. Never lonely again. We have begun our journey in Paradise.

And so, I awoke!

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, Grief, heaven, Love, Marriage, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

I love her a little more than life itself.

Often when ruminating in my favourite chair after a meal I find my mind filling with Joy and a great comforting bliss. I wonder if it is my Beloved Pat whispering my favourite poem of hers in my ear.

Basic by Patricia A. Bow Easter 1975

I love you little more than I love air

for every time I draw a breath

a puff withstands the void of death:

I love you little more than I love air.

I love you little more than I love water.

It sends the new green springing high,

without it I would surely die;

I love you little more than I love water.

I love you little more than I love bread.

It binds the muscle to the bone,

it sends the heartbeat throbbing on;

I love you little more than I love bread.

Posted in Bow, Patricia A., Family, Love, Marriage, Poetry, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Soulmates | Leave a comment

Hallelujah! God is Love!

It is important to remember Jesus was a Jew teaching Jews using their scripture. For those Jews, Judgement was an occasion of universal rejoicing not of punishment for your sins.

“The ancient Jews, like ourselves, think of God’s judgement in terms of an earthly court of justice. The difference is that the Christian pictures the case to be tried as a criminal case with himself in the dock; the Jew pictures it as a civil case with himself as the plaintiff. The one hopes for acquittal, or rather for pardon; the other hopes for a resounding triumph with heavy damages. Hence he prays ‘judge my quarrel’, or ‘avenge my cause’ (35:23). And though, as I said a minute ago, Our Lord in the parable of the Sheep and the Goats painted the characteristically Christian picture, in another place He is very characteristically Jewish.” [C.S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms]

Gives a whole new meaning to John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” We have won by the grace of God our civil suit; God’s judgement “is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” God is LOVE!

Posted in heaven, Love, Marriage, Religion, Religion - Anglican, Uncategorized | Leave a comment