Pat is at peace, that same love and peace of God also surrounds and uphold all of us, her family, and all who mourn. Neither death nor any created thing is able to separate us from the divine love we share in a Holy Communion that continues beyond death. Now we see through a glass dimly, but then we shall see clearly face to face. I compare the mystery of death to the mystery and wonder of life itself. Once, we were within the security of the womb and faced the trauma of birth not knowing the awesome wonders nor the love that awaited us in dimensions yet to be experienced. So shall it be in death. ‘Death is not the extinguishing of the light. It is but the putting out of the lamp, for the dawn has come.’ ― Rabindranath Tagore
The relationship between a husband and wife is different from all other family relationships. In no other case does God join two into one. When you lose a spouse you really do lose half of yourself and a big hole is left inside you. Now Pat died soon after reaching three score and 10; I am strong so am expected to reach four score. That thought fills me with horror; I really don’t want to live 6 more years without my other half. But Lord Thine will not mine.
Something has changed! I am now aware of my wife, Patricia’s presence touching me every day. It is as if Pat and I were made whole again; Oh I still miss her physical presence and her words and tears still come at small memories. But she is there with me, her presence and her spiritual strength comfort and support me. Surely we shall dwell united in the house of the Lord forever.
Okay how do I know this is not a trick of the mind. I recently read this: “This feeling has been called “The sensed Presence.” The brain scientist’s explanation for this lies in the idea that we have two senses of self, one on each side of the brain. Ordinarily, we rely primarily on the one on the left, where language, both inner and outer, is produced. When a person is having the sensed presence, the senses of self on the two sides of the brain have fallen out of phase with each other. The right-sided self comes out where the left-sided self can experience it. It’s being projected, or its a projected being. It’s real if you are.” Sounds plausible.
The thing is I’m not convinced. Feeling Pat’s presence is like all the times we felt each other in the house and knew we were not alone. I’d wake from a nap and just feel Pat’s absence because she had gone out for a walk alone. As Pat said, you feel the other’s presence because he/she affects the vibrations and atmosphere of the whole house. Each of us have a presence that can’t be explained by the “brain scientists”. Why is it a response to grief when your spouse dies and not when we were both happily alive? We are more than the sum total of our physical parts. There is something in all of us that is there watching, in command as the brain and body does it’s thing. It surely is the soul. I am sure when God designed us to be like Him it was not the physical body that resulted. It has to be the soul. I have read that medical studies have found a miniscule loss of weight when one dies. It has to be the soul leaving the body, taken up in the arms of Christ.
How is it I am able to feel Pat’s presence? I think I feel Pat’s presence – I feel her thinking, her pleasure and displeasure at a thought or emotion almost as I feel my own. I am feeling her emotions and not mine as they can be quite different – she’s at peace now while I’m still on the grief journey. I also think I feel her love for me almost as strongly as I feel my own love for her. But this is no different than before she died; we were always able to feel each other’s love. To love you need someone to love – love is always directed. I seem to know when she is pleased or displeased. This is different as when alive we show what we are feeling in physical signs that are very difficult to conceal; now I feel her emotions inside me. One odd think about her presence in me is I seem to be able to see (okay with my eyes partly closed or completely closed) what she is seeing – mostly the words she is typing or writing. All I can say about that is Pat was a word person and I miss her words very deeply. Thank God for her dairies, poems and writings. I definitely felt her kiss me the day after she died – what sense in me was that?
So I do believe in the real presence. We are not two separate souls separated by death but a continuous united soul in the eternal body. Our love allows us to share her new eternal body in the LOVE of Christ. I must not allow myself to slip into despair because it is OUR life I am affecting. Pat and I put our love first. We did everything together. After all we were and are still one flesh. We shared and wanted to be together. We wanted the Good for each other. I believe Pat and I found in each other our true Soul Mate our hard to find one True Love. In Pat’s words: “For you and I are so entwined / that we can read each other’s mine / at times, a simple exercise.”