Yes, my grief makes me:

“feel like old Adam at the end of that sixth day, / just a boy rubbing his fingers over the fresh/ stitches in his side, wondering why me? why here?”/ (apologies to John Blase).

Last night (June 15/16) she was happy, writing in her journal, “her beloved Eric would soon be with her, joining her on her 71st birthday.”  It was almost too much to bear because I want so much to be with there in heaven with her. The Kingdom of Heaven is within and she lives within me, this keeps me sanely grounded. I believe she meant “We will see what a bright heaven is around us. We are one growing ever stronger in our love and in each other. We will forever feel heaven’s joys in each other more ravishingly shared in company of each other. On her birthday, there will be a revelation bringing us even closer together.” The Kingdom of God is here and now and I’m already in it through her. But if she meant more – she knows when I will come fully home – so be it. God’s will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Pat will welcome me up into heaven when my time comes, to meet her there, and to continue to dwell within her there, when my death comes:  three persons – her, me and our love forever united as one – a trinity of love – LOVE is stronger than Death – I will receive from her  a welcome, warmer and more joyous than ever was given, in the outburst of conjugal affection, to any returning from an absence upon earth. I will hear her loving voice again and see her again amid the light of a glorious eternity. We will be at home in our place in Heaven promised by Christ.