Paradise enow


Seeing what is to be in my dream before I awoke.
Thou beside me singing on a highland shore.
A crimson sun rising over the sea.
Lilacs all around, the scent of their opening in the light of dawn.
This is Eden, the garden that was meant to be Heaven.
We ask for nothing more;
we have all in each other just as it began.
We are full no longer empty, we are one again with each other forever.
On the blanket before us:
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and
A book of your verse open to your poem, ”Seeing October”:

Dance of leaves on cobalt sky,
flare and startle of cardinal’s wing:
these I store against the day I die.

Nets of gold in the afternoon:
crimson darting in mid-air,
embers underfoot, glowing in the gloom.

Sunset flush on red brick wall,
windows winking like spectacles,
beneath the eyes of stars, blue evenfall.

Deep the dark, my candle dead:
Midnight’s breath will blow me blind.
Then all I stored today will light my mind
Till morning breaks ahead.

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Most inspirational passage I have read all Week


“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Essentially, from a wisdom perspective, this second beatitude is talking about vulnerability and flow. When we mourn (and we’re talking about true mourning here, not complaining or self pity) we are in a state of freefall, our heart reaching out toward what we have seemingly lost but cannot help loving anyway. To mourn is by definition to live between the realms. “Practice the wound of love,” writes Ken Wilber in Grace and Grit, his griping personal story of loss and transformation. “Real love hurts; real love makes you totally vulnerable and open; real love will take you far beyond yourself, and therefore real love will devastate you.” Mourning is indeed a brutal form of emptiness. But in this emptiness, if we can remain open, we discover that a mysterious “something” does indeed reach back to comfort us; the tendrils of our grief trailing out into the unknown become intertwined in a greater love that holds all things together. To mourn is to touch directly the substance of divine compassion.  And just as ice must melt before it can begin to flow, we, too, must become liquid before we can flow into the larger mind. Tears have been a classic spiritual way of doing this.  –Cynthia Bourgeault, The Wisdom Jesus; transforming heart and mind – a new perspective on Christ and his message (Shambhala, 2008)  page 43

I read this (and all of her chapter 3, “The Kingdom of Heaven is within You.”) after Fr. Victor Kischak’s sermon at Wednesday’s mass on The Beatitudes (Matthew 5: 1-12) These eight short sayings lay out Jesus’ s core teachings in a wonderfully concentrated and compelling format. His commentary was truly inspirational leaving me wanting more. Cynthia’ book filled that need – it reinforced what Fr Kischak’s sermon was preaching.

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I am therefore I think!


“I am, therefore, I think” God is, therefore, I Love. Patricia is, we love, therefore, we are One with each other and God.
Heart, soul, mind and body are God’s. Render unto God the things that are God’s: heart, soul, mind, and body.
It is being aware of yourself and God that proves existence. We just know we are and that God exists. It is a compulsion of the heart, soul, mind and body.
I know Patricia Bow dwells within me; that God has joined us together as One. She loves and comforts me as God loves and comforts us. We are still One joined together by God; even Death cannot part us. We are Everywhere – One with everything.
We accept existences, the Presence and God. We know the “I am who I am”, that is God! (אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה)
The Lord our God is one Lord and we shall love the Lord, our God with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind, and with all our strength as He commanded.
November
Patricia Bow November 1984
October past, like vital middle age,
quicker than fear or expectation gone,
November storms upon us, lean and wan,
all silvered, like King Lear upon the stage
It’s growing old that sets him in a rage:
the grave indignity of being bundled on
before his business properly is done;
they snatched the book before he’d filled the page.
November’s tears, like stones against the glass
bite bitterer than summer’s velvet rain.
The green blood bleaches from the tattered hill,
the red from wrinkled cheek. He dreads the pass
to icy sleep. Then takes up hope again,
recalls the Resurrection, and is still.
{Pat and I received the dreadful diagnoses the she had only 2 to six months to live on November 15th 2016.]
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God made us one forever!


Pat died to all that was less than her. As she wrote herself, her body was no longer her. She accepted she was dying and placed herself in God’s Love, the deathless love of God. Pat and I are still connected in that love and in our love of each other .
In her words:
“You love me royally , as I love you,
seated together in our garden Kingdom,
keeping up our silent conversation,
clothed in robes of every hue.”
She shares in Christ’s victory over death. Love is stronger than Death. Patricia and I are still one. God made us One forever!
In her words:
“And this long miracle is to discover
the inmost me and you,
to nurse no longing for another,
to forge the soul and its desire together
gently, openly and forever.”
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“God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God.” 1 John 4:6


A bedroom with only one person in it is the loneliest place in the world.” (“Harlow” 1965 Paramount) This is so true when waking alone, with the dawn all around you, having just dreamt of your departed.  While you feel her within you and all around you, you long for her touch, her morning kiss.

Did I dream it, or did she actually say “Eric, you are my old well-loved pot of gold. Yes, I am in heaven waiting for thee, but I also dwell within thee.” Soulmates feel the energy, scent and smell of that morning kiss and miss it but continue to love forever.

Nightly I seek her in my dreams needing to be restored into fulness of being. I want to be born again into the oneness of Us, the fulness beyond time. Death is like love because all of you dies to become awake unto the other – that is the True being born again. Not thoughts, not feelings, but a sense of being; knowing you are not alone in this lonely bedroom. There is someone else there with me, yet she is me; I am aware of her presence; I am One with her and God!  Soulmate’s love makes you learn not to fear dissolving into oneness.

It is like being each other. It is love. Love is like being each other, being together with all your being, feeling each other from within each other. Soulmates are each other. Two persons in one soul united in Christ. “God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God.” 1 John 4:6

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Marriage as I understand it


In Christianity there is a third person that precedes out of a marriage of soulmates. It mirrors the Trinity’s Holy Ghost – might even be the Holy Ghost. It is the enabling love of the soulmates. It is the entity joining the Lover and the Beloved in the “Song of Solomon” and the “abler Soul” in John Donne’s poetry. It transforms the very being of each partner’s soul. It is how God has made the married two one. Only this third entity proceeding from true love can lead to the real and indissoluble union of two lives into one; and only of it does holy scripture say; ‘They shall be one flesh’; that is, shall become One Real Being.

Rumi writes:

“Whenever two are linked this way, there comes another

From the unseen world.…

But a third does come, when two unite in love

…. The intense qualities born

Of such joining appear in the spiritual world.”

 

Ladislaus Boros in “God is Love” writes:

“When two people say “we” because love has made them we in reality, a new sphere of existence is created. The whole world takes on a new dimension. The new sphere of existence is not simply “already there”; it comes into existence as a function of the free self-giving of one person to another.”

 

Rumi writes:

“What is the body? That shadow of a shadow

of your love, that somehow contains the entire universe.”

If you would know God, know love and yourself, for God is within you; the entire universe is within you. It is God knowing, being aware of himself. Patricia and I were lucky enough to discover that quiet, intense love that is basic to life itself. We had the eyes to see and the words to tell the truths that are most real to each other.  Pat and I were soulmates. This kind of relationship is marked by an intense connection between two people, two souls. Two people just “get each other” — they finish each other’s sentences, are best friends, and have adopted the us against the world mentality, and a Us and God outlook. It feels like we are two pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together. In the six months from our first date to our marriage we found each other’s souls, and bonded and an abler soul was created. We were each other’s “beloved.” The sacrament of marriage bound our two souls into a Trinity – one entity, three persons. I still feel that haunting familiarity – our two souls remain bonded even after her death. Love is stronger than Death!

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Love is forever


The best love stories end in death; lovers do not fear death. Death is their final and complete surrender to each other. Lovers instinctively know that Love is forever and is stronger than Death. They long to die together. That is why Pat crooked her finger at me and said, “Don’t you dare even think of joining me by your own hand.”

On the 48th anniversary of our first date just a few months after she had reached the Biblical three score and ten, we were told we were dying. Yes, “we” – I fully expected we would die together. Pat knew my expectation when the next day she wrote “To Eric it was a terrible blow. Maybe he’ll never recover either.”

When our priest said a special prayer over Pat kneeling beside me at the communion rail anointing her head with oil (unction) we both felt lifted to a special place. God was somehow more truly with us at that Mass preparing us for what was to come.

The shock I felt when I found she was not sleeping but dead was also shock that I was still alive!  I wanted to continue on our journey to Us and God. It was then that I realized we were still together, and Love is indeed stronger than Death. We were together at the table God had prepared before us in the presence of the great enemy Death and we feared no evil. Our United soul is truly in Heaven and we shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

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Love your spouse as you love God


Patricia cries out in the depth of my heart; from the depth of my soul she raises her voice. At the busiest corner of my mind she cries out; at the entrance to the deepest part of me she speaks. She is a blessing from the God within me, my strength and my comfort. I love her with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind, and with all my strength. I know her as I know and think of myself; she is praying and present within me in my search for God. God is Love; love thy spouse as you love the Lord your God!

When two people love one another as they love God, a new sphere of existence is created. Their love colours their world view; the whole world takes on a new depth; a new body comes into existence as a function of their true love and self giving of each to the other.  The sacrament of marriage recognizes this new person proceeding from their love and unites the three into One – a Trinity. They die unto each other and become a resurrection body.  I believe both partners are very much aware of the presence of all three individual independent bodies within their one complete soul united by God.  When one spouse dies that marriage trinity merges as the presence the surviving spouse feels deep within – into the emptiness around his/her heart. That presence becomes so strong that it is forever. Love is stronger than death and continues to grow after death. Yes, life after death is real; it is becoming one again with Pat. We will never be separated from each other; we shall move into the true realm of love. God is Love.

There is another sense within each of us that allows us to feel the presence of our loved ones when they are near and within us. You always know when your loved one is presence in the house. She is indeed risen.  I am my lover’s and she is mine. She is at the communion rail with me just as Christ is present during the Mass.  Love is that sixth sense; widow and widower know this truth. Where is she? She is everywhere. The soul is as truly here in the Heaven within us here and now as our Lord is and Love is.  “The Risen Lord is indeed risen. Present, intimate, creative, “closer than your own heartbeat,” accessed through your vulnerability, your capacity for intimacy. The imaginal realm is real, and through it you will never be separated from any one or anything you have ever loved, for love is the ground in which you live and move and have your being…” Cynthia Bourgeault, ‘The Meaning of Mary Magdalene’.

“My beloved is mine, and I am [hers]: [She] feedeth among the lilies.” Song of Solomon 2:16 King James Version (KJV)

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Meditative remembering


Odd the things you remember, last night, I woke remembering:

Waking early in the morning darkness. Listening, feeling the complete presence of my beloved there beside me in the dark.  Matching the rhythm of my breathing to hers, using it to fall back into a meditative sleep. I surrender, yield to my love, to my oneness with her.  Like sex this is truly Eucharistic – a drawing near to your beloved with all that you are; in conscious love.  You know her completely and are comfortable with your oneness.  My beloved Patricia, in her dairies wrote about the same experiences. She added that she found such moments to be times when she over came her shyness and whispered that she loved me. I remember bits of winter poems she wrote for me.

“In these empty rooms

Sounds from outside the windows

Approach like thieves

….

Birds chirp in the silent house

While the wife listens.

 

All seasons flowing:

This snow, those trees, are altered

From last winter’s scene.

Only my soul, transformed, is

Changed by love beyond all change.

It is the most basic way to meditate – focus your being on your breath, inhale and exhale. Feel the air traveling through your body from your head to the tip of your toes. Let your mind wonder – surrender, yield. You might feel just a tad dizzy and like you are floating above your bed. I try to think on my beloved’s presence at such times. Eventual you reach your oneness and fall back to sleep. You wake in the morning and are sure she was there throughout the night comforting you. Love certainly was there. Love is stronger than Death. You love forever.

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Waiting to see again


After her second serious stroke Pat asked me to buy her a notebook so she could keep up her journal while in the hospital. The stroke distorted her sight and the only thing she wrote in it was: “I will wait to see again.”  I think Pat kept her journal for me; particularly her last journal she started after we learned she was dying. It, on Wed. Now 16, 2016, begins: “To my great surprise, I am dying…. found cancer on my liver and pancreas …. Huge thud of astonishment – my family usually all die of heart disease! I haven’t really recovered – perhaps never will. To Eric it was a terrible blow. Maybe he’ll never recover either. I think for the first few hours, I was just picking myself off the floor, dazed and incredulous. This was clearly just impossible. It still feels impossible. How can I be dying? …. So much I will lose. The beauty of the Earth, of the skies, of colours. I see it all turning and turning to darkness. Please God, please, please, please. “

The true Pat came fully into being when she accepted that she was dying. It was then she entered into the Kingdom of Heaven, softening, opening, yielding, feeling God within – feeling God’s presence. Sunday November 27, 2016, she read at the Advent Carol Service, Fifth Lesson, Malachi 3 verses 1 – 7, at Holy Saviour and was very pleased with herself.  Christmas Eve, celebrated with her sisters Dani and Bette, was her best day of her last two weeks – she knew the end was very near and seemed to just let the fear come up as she fell through to the other side. She was able to face her death with an open heart, serenely, utterly, trusting God. She died January 7, 2017.  She really loved me, knew I really loved her and trusted both me and God. I hope I didn’t fail her. True Freedom is Love – Pat is free now in the arms of God. Death is NOT the end.

When we die all that is left is LOVE. Because God is Love and we are also Love. Love is our reality, and God preserves that Love forever.  Pat has come home to the God within our oneness; she fills fully the space that surrounds my heart.  Christ said, the Kingdom of Heaven is within us – so Pat is in the arms of Christ within me. Pat said it best in a poem to me:

In the country of my heart

One name is the Key to all things

In my heart’s society

Only one name is worth dropping

The seasons say it over

In their turn,

Even the rain

Drops your name.

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